Why Are You Dressed So Scary?

12 Apr

ImageWhat could be a more disastrous Friday night than staying in and eating cold leftovers while watching Dante’s Peak? Oh right, choosing an outfit for your mother to wear on a date. A date that arrives 5 minutes early and requires you to entertain him. What a horrendous prom night role reversal!

* Oh somebody kill me please, somebody kill me please, I’m on my knees, pretty pretty please kill me *

I’ve spent the last couple of days reading Memoirs of a Geisha and I decided that I should try to adopt some of their principles like grace, poise and the ability to walk in ill-fitting shoes.

* Would you excuse me? I cut my foot before and my shoe is filling up with blood. *

So it is only right that I welcomed her date into our home, offered him some tea and a seat in our living room. What a well-mannered host! If only I could say that I was just as composed at a certain impromptu birthday dinner at my friends house earlier in the week.

At my request she cooked me a birthday stew! There was even wine and cake. What more could a boy want? Oh, perhaps an awkward, pointy triangle of sexual tension with Mitch Buchannon and her other housemate Ryan Atwood. As it turns out Mitch is a friend of someone else in the house who invited him over for tea. Immediately after my friend had just mentioned that Ryan is cute and totally available.

* Damn, damn, double damn! *

I even sat on my knees for 20 minutes and tried to make polite conversation while the house trolled for penis pictures on Grindr in order to create a “Wall of Dicks”; Another brilliant suggestion by yours truly. When the conversation came to a lull I had seconds, then thirds and by the time it came for everyone to go to bed I got a lift home with Mitch. Damn him and his quick, free and non-public transportation.

Don’t worry though; I managed to keep it together during the car ride. We even shared a delightfully awkward Voldermort hug…then sexting happened.

* Very bad start to the year. Have been seduced by informality of messaging medium into flirting with office scoundrel. *

I suppose I should have modeled myself on a better vocation rather than one made up of mysterious women who get completely over-dressed, encourage excessive drinking, and artfully manipulate wealthy men’s affections in order to become their mistress.

Speaking of getting overly dressed I’m supposed to attend a house party tomorrow night in some form of costume. Alas it’s not “Tarts and Vicars” themed but rather “The Sound of Music”. So short of wearing whiskers, a blue satin sash or a Hitler youth outfit I’m kind of stuck.

I do have a tendency to somewhat overdress at costume parties. I often find myself at the Cady Heron end of the spectrum. The worst part is I don’t normally know a lot of people at these parties so I think that a funny costume will be a good icebreaker.

So without further ado here are five examples to contrary:

  1. A Friend’s 21st birthday. The theme was “Black, White & Gold”. I interpreted that as an excuse to go as male Ke$ha. She raps (Black), she’s white trash (White) and likes to be covered in semen and roll in glitter (Gold). Everyone thought I was a stripper.
  2. Halloween 2011. I got changed in a quiet lane in the dark and sculled a few beers before turning up to the party in a Miss Trunchbull outfit. Now this would probably be fine if not slightly terrifying. But I also decided to bring with me a small doll with blonde pigtails and a box of chocolates that I would offer people only to deny them and scream loudly “Much too good for children!” I’d rather be locked in the chokey than talk to me.
  3. Halloween 2012. I got a taxi this time and just as well because I had inadvertently dressed in black face. I had purchased black paint, a giant sheet a single red helium balloon and a plastic pumpkin. I intended to be invisible from the neck up in the darkness after I’d painted my face and neck. I hoped I looked something like “The Ghost of Halloweens Past” Instead I looked like the ghost of Michael Jackson. Just as well my pumpkin doubled as bucket sized beer glass.
  4. A Friends’ combined 22nd Birthday. The theme was “Offensive”. I printed out an A3 sized picture of a “Blue Waffle” and hung it around my neck. Enough said.
  5. Halloween 2013. My friends and I have a plan to dress as euphemisms for vagina. Think George Bush masks, a box, a taco, a Venus flytrap, a gash, meat curtains, a wizards sleeve, a penis cozy – you get the idea.

For “The Sound of Music” 2013, I’m thinking a white shirt with this on it:

Maria =Image

Get it? It’s one of the Millennium Prize Problems from the Clay Mathematics Institute. I call it: “How do You Solve a Problem Like Maria”.

Look, at least it’s pretty innocuous if not marginally pretentious. Who knows, perhaps I’ll meet an attractive, smart yet bashful mathematician that’s into horrible puns and loves romantic comedies. I’m more likely, statistically speaking to scare the other guests and compensate by drinking too much. Forget “Adelweiss” it’s time Adelwine bitches.

* Better beware, be canny and careful, baby you’re on the brink.*

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