I’m No One’s Wife

1 May

ImageI overheard a woman on the bus the other day saying she was sleeping with someone and it struck me how wholly inaccurate that statement was. We all know what she meant but I wanted to know when this became an acceptable way to say that two people are fucking and not dating. Don’t sully the beautiful calming happiness of sleep with the sweaty and uncomfortable throes of intercourse. Maybe it’s just my persistent dry spell but the whole concept of sugar coating the fact you are getting some is very irritating. Almost as much as the fact you are getting some at all you miserable dumpy cow.

* Can I get you guys anything? Some snacks? A condom? Let me know! Oh, God love ya.*

Really though, displays of affection have no place on public transport. It’s a moveable prison full of uncomfortable silences, overpowering body odor and invasions of personal space. I once saw a couple standing up halfway down the bus that thought that holding onto each other instead of the handrails provided was a good idea. Your love may hold you together but inertia will knock you down…and like the new prison bitch they fell harder than Kirstie Alley into a pile of cake.

* Some people swear they saw me push her in front of the bus. That was an even worse rumor. *

The relative certainty of gravitational forces in our world can be very satisfying until they start to pull your own love handles down about your middle. Which is why, in true Bridget fashion, I have started a diet.

* You wanna do something fun? You wanna go to Taco Bell? *

It’s the 5:2 Diet, the Feast or Famine Diet, The Alternate Day Diet, the Longevity Diet. Lets call a spade a spade and go with what it actually is: Intermittent Fasting. It was made popular by Dr. Michael J. Mosley in his documentary Eat, Fast & Live Longer. The proposed benefits are numerous and the principles are easy enough to follow. You can stick to your normal eating/exercise regime but factor in two consecutive or non-consecutive fasting days where you are on a restricted calorie diet.[1]

* I want to lose three pounds.*

Like most fad diets, it’s meteoric rise and the present lack of scientific evidence means that it is already being adopted by a nation desperate for any new and seemingly miraculous way to slim down. In Australia alone the fitness industry is worth more than $1.2 Billion dollars and with 63.4% of Australian aged 18 years and over considered obese or overweight, it’s little surprise that this diet is getting so much buzz.

*There are two kinds of evil people in this world. Those who do evil stuff and those who see evil stuff being done and don’t try to stop it. *

Anyway at the end of my first non-consecutive day of fasting this is where I stand.

Calorie Breakdown:

Two Scrambled Eggs = 160

One and a Half Slices of Ham = 69

½ Cup Tuna, 1 Tablespoon Red Onion, Curry Powder, 1 Cup Baby Spinach 1 Carrot = approx. 120

1 Duck Pancake = 200

1 Cup of Coffee = N.A. as is diuretic and reduces risk of diabetes, colon cancer and heart disease

1 Cup Miso Soup = 84 calories

3 glasses of champagne = N.A. as celebrating and conducive to productive writing

Total = 633

*Whatever, I’m getting cheese fries. *

In amongst my exercise related research I discovered a somewhat graphic term, the much sought after “Box Gap”. For a man new to this idea I was quite taken aback. Do women really want/need ITC (Inner Thigh Clearance)? Is it particularly flattering to see a little window of the horizon between women’s thighs? I mean not that I ever look there anyway but I don’t need that straddling my seaside vista. The ocean is fishy enough as it is. Either way the market is ripe for some classy workout videos:

*Say crack again. “Crack.” *

  1. Think Outside Your Box
  2. Box Your Way to a Foxy Box
  3. Box Attacks
  4. It’s Hip to be Square (Box)
  5. Ellen & Portia’s Box Bustin’ Workout[2]

* I’m sorry I called you a gap-toothed bitch. It’s not your fault you’re so gap-toothed. *

Sorry for all the Mean Girl references. It was our 9-year anniversary the other day. It was way back in 2004 when I discovered that to go anywhere in life you have to be hot, bitchy, possess a killer rack and be equip with a well-written inner monologue.

* I have this theory, that if you cut off all her hair she’d look like a British man. *

Speaking of British men I’ve decided I want to be the blog version One Direction. I totally have the chinos, baseball t-shirt and high-top combo for it. Plus I’m pasty as fuck so I could totally double for a Brit[3]. They make shit loads of money, spend the majority of their time looking good and hanging out with other hot boys. Living the dream.

Thank you Tina Fey.

* Is that the summation? *


[1] This is about 500 calories for women and 600 for men.

[2] * I guess it’s probably because I’ve got a big lesbian crush on you! Suck on that! *

[3] I’m about 90% sure Google has used my translucent excuse for an epidermis as a prototype for Google Glass.

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One Response to “I’m No One’s Wife”

  1. creeped May 5, 2013 at 8:04 am #

    You can see the horizon btw my BFs thighs. It’s weird, but then he doesn’t have the problem with buying trousers that I do.

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