Bitch Bitch Bitch

9 May

ImageIt was only the day after a friend of mine was concerned I might be using this platform as motivation for unsavoury behaviour when a casual dinner turned into an evening of getting baked, listening to Primal Scream and wishing I were Eliza Thornberry.

* All adventurous women do. *

In amongst thinking I had permanently widened my brains synaptic gaps to the point where my neurons ended up like Thelma and Louise I jotted down a couple of observations:

  • I decided Adele looked like a giant lamp.
  • I imagined what it would be like to have udders for feet.
  • During a conversation I was convinced a friend was saying “haus” instead of “house”.
  • I spent about 4 minutes stroking my front teeth and purring.
  • I forgot how to swallow.
  • I came up with what I thought was a hilarious insult; “You smile like a toilet flushes. Full of shit.”
  • I kept repeating the word for credit card in Spanish; bare in mind I don’t speak Spanish.

And then I got the munchies and ruined my diet.

* I’m so hungry I could eat a whole zebra. *

It’s OK though because a couple of days later I got accepted into postgrad law, lined up an interview for a legal assistant position and seriously considered buying an eBay listing for the “Bruiser’s Bill” notebook used in Legally Blonde 2.

* Life is happening! *

I think I must have some underlying masochistic tendencies because I had brunch with the ex today of my own volition. I figured it was an acceptable meal to meet for because it isn’t really breakfast or lunch just like our friendship isn’t really fun or enjoyable. The thought that he’s probably the last person I’ll see naked is kind of depressing. It’s not so much that I dislike him it’s more that he reminds me of a time that I was really happy.  The fact that he was the source of that emotion and its subsequent overwhelming lack kinda pisses me off.

*Be quiet Tiffany. Be quiet! *

Since I’ve come this far I feel like I should try and persevere with the friendship and hope that in the end it will be worth it. I have a feeling it’ll be the emotional equivalent of blue balls but I might be genuinely surprised like that time the girls vagina spat out some dudes dismembered penis in Teeth.

* She needs to sort out her priorities! *

I get pretty annoyed when I’m hanging out with people who used to be fat and they get compliments on how skinny they’ve become. I feel like I deserve just as many compliments for staying slim. Just once I’d like someone to say, “wow you look fantastic! Not eating your body weight in brie is doing wonders for you!” Celebrate my sporadic exercise regime and average metabolic rate goddamnit!

* You’re so insecure you get jealous at babies for their soft skin! And for all the attention they get! *

Oh and to those people who volunteer for charities in their spare time: I’m really impressed you think about someone other than yourself for a couple of hours a week but please don’t rub it in my face at every social occasion. Seriously, get down off the cross bitch somebody could use the wood.

* Why any kid would want to be an orphan is beyond me. *

In other news I still haven’t paid my phone bill but I did manage to purchase a Mean Girls inspired sweatshirt and a ridiculously overpriced exercise tee. It’s not as though I need any special exercise equipment like a cup or a sports bra. I imagine the latter is a necessary item. Nobody wants to get a black eye while exerting themselves unless you’re in a relationship with Chris Brown or Ike Turner. Besides, it totally matched my shoes.

* Daddy, some people lost all their belongings. Don’t you think that includes athletic equipment? *

On a rather dubious side note I found out this week that women’s clothes button from left to right rather than right to left. Don’t worry; I’m not moonlighting as a drag queen, although if I did my drag name would have to be Queen Laqueefah. I just wanted to see if my mums 80’s knitted cardigan was a viable fashion choice. In the end I decided I’m probably better off wearing a vest made out of radioactive ovaries.

* My first day as a woman and I’m getting hot flashes. *

I have a theory about women and the wind. I believe there is a positive correlation between the levels of crazy that women exhibit on days where it is overly windy. Their behavior is erratic and their demeanor is curt at best. I put it down to the wind ruining their hair and getting all up in their nooks and crannies.

* Oh! My period! You’re all fired! *

Finally I have lost 1kg, which in the scheme of things is incidental so I shall continue with the diet but with one change: on my fasting days I have decided that the only calories I will consume will come from a wine glass.

* It’s your window to weight gain. *

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