So I know I’ve skipped a week or so but its not like I’m going to get pregnant or anything. Fear not though, faithful readers, for I have been using the time wisely and have accomplished a great many things.
* I do not want to disappoint our Japanese public, especially Godzilla. Hahaha! I’m just kidding, I know he doesn’t care what humans do. *
1. I have found the connection between my love of rain and bacon. The sound of bacon being fried is not dissimilar to rain falling. Not to mention they’re both very comforting and great in bed.
*Are you achin’? Yup, yup, yup. For some bacon? *
2. I went to a 50’s themed party and decided that my safe place on the dance floor was the twist. Which in hindsight is probably the reason behind my difficulty walking the next day. Or the gentle rapist visited me in my sleep.
* Anyone doing tasteless or vulgar movements will be immediately disqualified. *
3. I got home at 11pm on an attempted night out and carefully charted George Constanza’s receding hairline across three seasons of Seinfeld. This was due to a bad trip at a Spring Breakers themed party several hours prior. The worst part was I didn’t get to show off my costume.
* What on earth are you wearing? You look like a common prostitute. *
4. Nandos is BYO and therefore an excellent place for a party. Just put some candles in that succulent flame grilled peri-peri chicken and you’ve got yourself a party.
* You wanted cake, you got cake! Now eat it! *
5. I finally graduated this week and to celebrate the occasion I decided to take my wand with me. I pretended I was Snape, whirled around in my academic gown and crucio-ed all the bitches. It was a great time. Mostly because I had people fuss over me all day buying me drinks and food. It was like a birthday for my brain!
* You is kind. You is smart. You is important. *
6. I helped my best friend make a video to celebrate his 1-year anniversary with his boyfriend and realized I will be alone forever.
* You look like that flashcard they told me means sadness. *
7. I didn’t like a woman’s outfit while I was walking to the bus stop so I farted upwind from her. Honestly who wears a mint green overcoat with a leopard print dress and zebra print shoes? She deserved to inhale fecal matter.
* You’re tacky and I hate you. *
After my last entry’s comments about Julia Roberts I thought what better place to find further direction than taking life lessons from a streetwalker.
- Always use eating utensils from the outside in – 4 tines dinner fork, 3 tines salad fork etc.
- Your foot is as big as your arm from your wrist to your elbow.
- Strawberries bring out the flavor of champagne.
- Floss may or may not be mistaken for cocaine.
- Flattery will get you everywhere “You’re late. You’re stunning. You’re forgiven.”
- Vegging out leads to blowjobs.
- Wearing nothing but a tie is code for lets have sex then a bath.
- Kings and queens used to stomp shit into the ground.
- “The bad stuff is easier to believe.”
- When you’re not fidgeting you look very beautiful.
- Opera is for prostitutes and old women.
- Copping a squat is fine if you’re with a man and a picnic blanket.
- The top floor is always the best.
- It takes just one week (and $3000) to fall in love.
Ok so my life is boring and I’m alone, what of it? At least I don’t have to get rid of all my Richard Curtis films and pretend I’m happy. I have movie lives to lead. I don’t need a boyfriend.
* Lemon, women your age are more likely to get mauled at the zoo than get married. *