The Summer of Gorge

10 Dec

ImageWith holidays now in full swing and my brothers recent engagement ringing in my ears I decided that the most productive way to spend the last two hours of my free time was by taking a Snapchat with my cat in manner of Kim and Kanye. Bound to be a spinster.

*Uh-huh, honey. *

After months of craving the freedom that comes with elasticated waistbands and a predominately topless existence, summer has well and truly arrived.

* I’ll just sit in the sun and crisp. You can’t get heatstroke twice in the same year. *

And after my little reality check back in November where I announced my celibacy and extolled the virtues of a pedagogical approach to my manstrual cycle. I have since managed to overcome a few issues that were weighing me down:

  1. I accepted some of my insecurities.
  2. I broke my drought.
  3. I was vulnerable.
  4. I am ready to be loved (vomit).
  5. I realized goats’ cheese is a gateway cheese.
  6. And I rediscovered my love of lists.

Let’s be honest, while most of the above were quite difficult to come to terms with and required a serious level of honesty and maturity read: boring. One did not.

Number 2 – The Drought & Mitch Buchannon:

Sleeping with new people is hard. I’ve tried using the Neverland method (second guy the right and straight on till morning) but it’s fraught with danger and pirates. Anyway ignoring the lengthy pre coitus ritual there are so many unknown factors involved with the act itself that are worth considering for e.g.

  1. Do they have a salivary problem?
  2. Will they leave their pet in the room?
  3. What if they have a murdering fetish?
  4. Are they Hannibal Lector?
  5. Is their penis weird?
  6. Correction; is their penis too weird?

* Yeah, but what about the stuff that get’s up around the sides of condoms? Okay, what about that stuff? Have you thought about that stuff? *

That is why when you’re looking to get back into the horizontal mambo you should always consider a previous dance partner. There are no unexpected surprises. It’s like doing your own Christmas shopping – you get exactly what you want and you don’t have to pretend to be excited about another “useful” gift that you’ll just throw away a couple of weeks into the new year.

* Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal. And a Happy New Year. *

So I did exactly that when I bid farewell to my yearlong bout of celibacy over the weekend with thanks to an old favourite; Mitch Buchannon.

* It’s been 300 hundred years right down to the day. Now the witch is back and there’s hell to pay! *

I’m not going to lie we had a pretty excellent understanding. Apart from one minor detail: the implied intimacy of prolonged body contact whilst lying on your side in a post coitus state.

* Don’t talk to me! Don’t touch me! I have to go. We have to leave now. I have to leave! We have to leave now! I have to go! We’re going. *

OK, I’ll admit it. I like a cuddle as well as the next fat person but what I don’t enjoy is the body heat that comes with it. Honestly, unless one of those spoons is filled with heroine there is no need to heat it to such an unbearable temperature. Not to mention that the sound of one person peeling themselves away from another is enough to make me sick and refuse any forthcoming attempts at putting your parched morning after mouth on my mouth.

* I’d be careful. That pony had a lot of water. *

And as far as staying the night goes I have only a single piece of advice. If you do decide to spend the night then it is imperative that you leave before McDonalds stops serving breakfast. If not to get the most hours out of the day then at least so you have time to grab some hash browns and hot cakes to fill the space that shame usually occupies. Stride of pride baby.

* Okay, here’s a little bedroom tip. Put a bag of popcorn in the microwave beforehand. That way when you’re done you have a treat! *

All in all it’s shaping up to be a very interesting festive season.

* Grace! It’s Christmas, for goodness sake! Think about the baby Jesus, up in that tower, letting his hair down so that the three wise men can climb up and spin the dreidel and see if there’s six more weeks of winter. *


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