Tag Archives: Gay

52 Pickup

28 Jan

ImageAfter my recent disappointment at being spammed by a bot on Tinder named Harlan; who was neither real, Texan, or capable of satisfactorily responding to anything I said (like most of my previous partners who share Harlan’s inability to listen). I feel that it’s important to lay down some ground rules in order to save you being lefted – at least by me[1].

  1. Make sure people can see your face clearly. If I can’t see your face how will I know if you have a criminal shaped skull or not.
  2. A photo of you in natural light would be a good. At least to let people know you’re not one of The Others.
  3. It’s important to seem worldly. Just make sure all of your photos aren’t from overseas. If all your photos are of traveling then I’ll assume you’re swimming with the HIV after your slut tour of Eastern Europe.
  4. I’ll admit, sometimes it’s hard to find a recent and flattering photo. But don’t choose a picture where you’re blowing out your 16th birthday candles. Polanski doesn’t Tinder.
  5. I like the beach. I hate sand. This isn’t about sand. This is about your beach body. It’s unrealistic and intimidating. Don’t expect the same (think less a beach body and more of a beached body).
  6. If you’re over 1609.344 km (1000 miles) away and you’re not Vanessa Carlton then no dice.
  7. Unless you usually reside in my sisters box of Barbies/Ken dolls please don’t be a headless torso it will just make me think of prawns and seafood…Thai food…Vagina. Next!
  8. Don’t call yourself a “Young Professional.” You’re an over educated under 30 year old wanker with a full time job.
  9. Why would you describe your penis size as “decent”?  Does that mean it will treat me right? Is it polite and well mannered? Will it be wearing clothes? Please just don’t describe it at all.
  10. Fact: 33 year old men should not be wearing snapbacks. Ever.
  11. That’s a great sleeping photo. Do you have narcolepsy? Maybe I’ll finally have my dream date!
  12. The fact that you feel the need to tell me to “Say more than hi” makes me fear for your social skills. Also, why do I have to start the conversation? It’s a lady’s right to choose!
  13. Please have more than one facial expression because I will conflate lack of expression with lack of emotion and sociopathic tendencies.
  14. Like Nietzsche I think without music, life would be a mistake. Choosing lyrics from Riding Solo as your profound music quote is also a mistake.
  15. If all we have in common is “Winking” and “Pelvic Thrusting” then I’m guessing our conversation won’t be particularly enlightening.
  16. Don’t ask me inane questions in an attempt to be interesting. Opening with “What kind of dinosaur would you be?” is OK. Following it up with “What Sesame Street character would you be?” makes me think you like to dress up as an enormous prehistoric bird that spends a lot of time with children.
  17. Without cattle and dairy farms I would not have meats or cheese so I appreciate your selfie with a cow. I don’t appreciate you being elbow deep in that cow.
  18. Having a list of your likes and dislikes is useful. It helps me to decide if we could hold a conversation that lasts longer than Hugh Hefner. However disliking things like “people’s knees” and “the patch of skin between your nose and lip that acts like an oasis for sweat” is not. It’s just weird.
  19. I think correct spelling and good grammar is important most of the time. However saying things like #unevaknowwatmayhapn is an abomination that should have been flushed at birth.
  20. If we do not have Wine, Tea, Baths, Harry Potter, Soft Cheeses, 30 Rock or the Sound of Rain as at least one of our shared interests then you’re going down faster than a fat girl on a first date. The Grateful Head.
  21. What’s that? You’re at the gym? In all your photos? Why not date a mirror?
  22. Don’t talk about yourself for an uncommon length of time in the third person. I’ll think you have Dissociative Identity Disorder.
  23. I’m sorry philistine; “An energy drink a day” does not keep the doctor away. It gives you cavities and diabetes. Enjoy life without a foot or teeth.
  24. I will swipe anyone who shares a name with members of my senior year or a previous boyfriend. So that’s at least 160 I can cross off. I had a big high school; I’m not a slut.
  25. What business does a 30 year old have in a children’s playground? Please see number 4.
  26. If all you can tell me is that you’re a “Pisces who can’t drive.” Then you may as well be a virgin too because you are not an independent woman. The car I’m driving, I bought it. I depend on me.
  27. Seeing photos of you with pets is great. I know you can care for something without it dying from starvation. However, photos of just your pet are disconcerting. I barely know how to interact with other humans so I can only begin to imagine the hoard of inter-species faux pas and (p)awkward situations.
  28. If you’re a woman.
  29. Why are all your photos of photos? If we are gonna perform inception then we need imagination.
  30. Oh so you’re a professional Pokémon trainer? Did you catch all 152 STI’s? First generation syphilis.
  31. Nowadays everyone wants to be unique. Apparently the best way to do so is to use unusual spelling of your name. Let us take Cory as an example. In one swipe session I encountered Corey, Corry, Koray Korrie and Cori. Your future as a bogan stripper seems very bright indeed.
  32. If your reading glasses are so thick that they make you look like Professor Trelawney on crack how can I trust you to find the g-spot?
  33. It’s important not to take yourself too seriously. So calling yourself a loser is nice in a self-deprecating kind of way. Spelling loser with two o’s is not, it’s just slack.
  34. We can’t all have a winning smile but at least have a good dentist because your smile reminds me of some tic-tacs stuck in old chewing gum.
  35. There’s nothing wrong with tattoos except when they come in the form of the acronym LTD (Living the Dream). I hope you get cystitis and hit by a bus.
  36. This isn’t a soapbox. So please keep pseudo-philosophical quotations to yourself[2].
  37. I get the joke but not everyone looks good in a bra. Especially when it looks like you could actually use one.
  38. Encountering the ex is a tricky one. If you swipe to the right out of courtesy it may be construed as lingering affection. But if you swipe to the left then you look cynical and jaded. So, I guess only swipe right if they didn’t get fat.
  39. Why are you holding a baby? Is it yours? Who gave you that baby? Did they know you were using it to solicit dates?
  40. If it’s not a Chonmage, Sangtu, Sikha or a Tikitiki then you have no business in a topknot/manbun. The secret that they’re all hiding in their not so big hair is their equally small penis.
  41. How many attempts did it take you to get that sublime sunset watching photo? I hope you got a melanoma. And your silhouette looks gay. Tell your gay silhouette I said “hi”.
  42. Did I miss the point in time when “orifice” became part of everyday speech? I think you may have misunderstood Cher Horowitz.
  43. Please learn the basics of perspective. Things that are closer to the camera will appear bigger. So try and keep your lollipop head away from the aperture.
  44. I love that you build houses for orphans and work at soup kitchens. The closest I get to feeling charitable is watching Oprah re-runs. Subsequently I feel like if I’m not a pauper or a head case I’d be boring you.
  45. Are you Indiana Jones, Humphrey Bogart or Freddy Krueger? No. Therefore you have no business in a fedora.
  46. If you’re only here for “shits and giggles” go eat some raisin bran and hash brownies, you’ll get the same result. Plus the only asshole you’ll have to deal with is your own. We all win.
  47. Oh really, you love sports? From what I can see the only sport you like is channel surfing.
  48. I love your various ill-fitting, Hawaiian shirts and your sporadic growth of facial hair. It’s like a fat balding woman fell into my piña colada.
  49. Why are all of your photos with cakes? I can’t decide if you’re the best person ever or all your friends are actually cakes.
  50. That’s such a great photo of you and all your male friends. I’d love to know which one of the seven you are. I wonder if I’m supposed to construe your extreme desirability from the sea of frothing bitches around you. I’d quicker equate it with syphilis.
  51. I love your club photos. Are you a DJ? I too like to wear gas masks in abandoned warehouses. I hope you asphyxiate on your own sense of self-satisfaction.
  52. Describing yourself as simple, loyal and very friendly makes me think you could actually be a dog.

In summary: I hate everyone. Who knows though, maybe Mr. Right is buried at the bottom of the pack.

* But fate deals the hand and I see, the joker is me! *.

[1]Sometimes I like to listen to songs about fire when using Tinder for the sheer intertextual thrill: We Didn’t Start the Fire (Billy Joel), I’m on Fire (Bruce Springsteen), Playing with Fire (The Rolling Stones), Light My Fire (The Doors), Beds are Burning (R.E.M.), Set Fire to the Rain (Adele), When a Fire Starts to Burn (Disclosure), Disco Inferno (The Tramps), Ring of Fire (Johnny Cash), Burning Love (Elvis), Girl on Fire (Alicia Keys), Chariots of Fire (Vangelis), Firestarter (Prodigy), Great Balls of Fire (Jerry Lee Lewis), Fire and Ice (Pat Benatar) you get the idea.

[2] Don’t let the worst of your past be the best of your future. Live for now. Profound choice! Don’t dream your life, live your dream. What we do in life echoes in eternity. Doing what I do today so I can do what I want tomorrow. Family and friends are the bedrock that creates a person of the world. Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the number of moments that take our breath away. Respect yourself enough to know you deserve the very best. Life begins at the end of your comfort zone. Fantastical, satire, mysticism, romance.


Best Laid Plans

15 Mar


I’m feeling very evil Disney queen today. Very Hannibal Lecter. Very Sarah Michelle in Cruel Intentions – basically if you fucking cross me I will castrate you, fry up your testicles and make your mother eat them while you watch, all the while singing Friend Like Me in my best Robin Williams voice.

* Now that was some straight-up David Copperfield shit! *

I don’t know what has brought on this wave of irrational fury. Maybe when I made a list about what I would do if I had a vagina No.7 actually came true:[1] Having a period that would put elephant placenta expulsion to shame, freaking out from the hormones and scratching some miserable bitches eyes out. That’s how it works right, Sissy Spacek?

Or maybe. Just maybe. It has something to do with the fact I had a shit second date followed by coffee with my ex.

The Second Date:

After some delicious drinks and dumplings with Mr. Sheffield, we relocated to a nearby bar in order to refuel. I love a bar with a bit of atmosphere: loud, but not unpleasant music, a raucous crowd and the type of environment that encourages you to lean in that little bit closer. Alas, with three other patrons and minimal privacy save for some dim lighting, the bar he chose left me more exposed than a priest in a playground.

I was however, once again, very impressed with his ability to include words like scopophilic, loquacious and esoteric in general conversation. But after a couple hours I kept wishing he’d swallow a dick instead of a dictionary.

* Lava, stop teaching her these big words before she choke on one. *

When we left the bar I decided we should grab some desert, mostly because I wanted after dinner snacks but also because the best gelato happens to be right around the corner from his house and I needed to use his facilities.

* It’s all part of the plan. *

We got back to his place, which was when things became particularly uncomfortable. He stood while I sat, he didn’t offer me a drink and I had to ask for a tour before finding it so awkward standing shoulder to shoulder in his tiny laundry that I loudly declared it was time to go home. Take the hint!

* I hate the fact that you wore a football jersey to dinner, because I hate football, but you can fuck me if you turn the lights off, okay? *

He walked me to the bus stop. I had to ask for bus money. That’s the end of that.

Lucky for him I’m over my sexy stealing phase.[2]

The Coffee:

The hardest part about coffee was trying to look like I’ve spent the last 6 weeks and 2 days listening to Independent Women by Destiny’s Child on repeat while working out.

* First, look gorgeous. Two – then totally suck up to famous authors. *

The conversation was very pleasant if not tinged with a bit of sadness and the realisation of how boring our current lives are. We caught up on friends and family stuff, but I laughed more in that hour than I did across two dates with Mr. Sheffield.

* I like a joke as well as the next fat person! *

You often look back with hindsight and view things a certain way; that your thought process was unemotional. That what you felt at the time was empowerment and confidence. But the overwhelming impression I’m left with is that I miss his friendship and now have to figure out if it’s possible to be friends with an ex. Or if I preempted me being OK with his general presence and decided to have coffee with him because I didn’t cry when I unblocked him from my Facebook news feed.

* Glurg.*

Ultimately I’m just going to have to decide what I want at the moment[3]. I’m pretty sure on all fronts though that it is not a relationship. At least not right now. Especially when I get 50 shades of crazy at the mere hint of one.

* I just want someone who wants to hang out all the time, thinks I’m the best person in the world, and wants to have sex with only me. *

[1] Numbers one through seven: 1. Use it for storage (mostly stationary). 2. Make it talk, then stage a domestic between it and my belly button. 3. Give it a fun nickname like Princess Labia or Loose Lipped Lara. 4. Pretend I’m pregnant and spend a couple of hours on my back screaming and crying. 5. Feed it chocolate and then say to it “Look at yourself. You’re a mess!” 6. Be charitable and give my hymen to a good cause (Taylor Swift).

[2] I had a couple of one-night stands where I stole things like remote controls because I knew it would piss them off and they’d never expect me. The sexy part came about because I’d shimmy while I did it. But then I realised I was technically robbing people. So I stopped.

[3] Prince Eric and Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s gay love child