74kg (up from last week, despite diet), alcohol units 6 (fathers birthday and depressing insight into what I’ll look like at 55), cigarettes 0 (v.g.), calories N/A as cheat day and yum-cha was involved, sexts sent 2, sexts received 0, hours spend contemplating life alone 3.
V. big news. The spinster bible has a new chapter and it’s about boys and madness. Two things I am a well versed in. Singletons rejoice. For with a new bible come revelations and most importantly, commandments: “Thou shalt not commit fuckwittage.”
I was initially concerned about Bridget’s return to the fore of the social consciousness. I mean she’s been out of the game for seven years and a whole lot has happened: Beyoncé is queen, Tina Fey is still funny and cats rule the Internet. O.K so not that much has happened. So then where would this thirty-something park her now continent-sized bottom and how could Helen Fielding possibly make her relevant again?
Here are my suggestions:
- There are GIFs of Colin Firth as Mr. Darcy emerging from a lake that Bridget needs to see.
- With Masterchef on the up and up blue is now an acceptable colour for food.
- There are so many faster, louder and quicker ways to embarrass oneself than misusing the fireman’s pole at Lewisham Fire Station.
- Spanx are not just popular with grannies the world over; now everyone hates their body shape.
- I forgot what real new years resolutions look like.
- I want to see Bridget turn into Natalie Portman in Black Swan
- There are lots of famous dead authors to invite to parties like whoever writes Amanda Bynes’ tweets.
- Journalists now say fuck-all.
- Tom would have to have done a duet with Sophia Grace & Rosie or simillar to get him laid for all of the noughties.
- Bridget is verging on “cougar” territory – she should fight Madonna for Brahim Zaibat.
- See through tops are commonplace. No tops/pants is the new way to go.
- Isn’t it terrible about first world problems?
- Google Maps will always show you where the toilets are.
- Knitted sweaters of any kind are fashionable.
- Titspervert is better known as Snapchat.
- ATTN Facebook: “How interesting. What a gripping life you do lead.”
- There once were two women who needed some food from a mans nether region. He showed them his back and opened his crack and defecated all over them kneeling.
- She needs cats. Lots of cats.
- Latin music is not a blip. J-Lo is here to stay.
- There are more alcoholics, workaholics, commitment-phobics, peeping toms, megalomaniacs, emotional fuckwits or perverts than there ever were before. They can be found primarily on dating websites.
Mostly though it’s her struggles with life. The things we face day in day out that she takes on the chin. Her ability to see things from the outside. For solidarity and cellulite. For fuckwittage and failure. For hopeless romantics and just the plain old hopeless. Bridget will be there. Shining like a wobbly inimitable beacon in the proverbial darkness.
* Feeling sentimental? *