Tag Archives: Rules

52 Pickup

28 Jan

ImageAfter my recent disappointment at being spammed by a bot on Tinder named Harlan; who was neither real, Texan, or capable of satisfactorily responding to anything I said (like most of my previous partners who share Harlan’s inability to listen). I feel that it’s important to lay down some ground rules in order to save you being lefted – at least by me[1].

  1. Make sure people can see your face clearly. If I can’t see your face how will I know if you have a criminal shaped skull or not.
  2. A photo of you in natural light would be a good. At least to let people know you’re not one of The Others.
  3. It’s important to seem worldly. Just make sure all of your photos aren’t from overseas. If all your photos are of traveling then I’ll assume you’re swimming with the HIV after your slut tour of Eastern Europe.
  4. I’ll admit, sometimes it’s hard to find a recent and flattering photo. But don’t choose a picture where you’re blowing out your 16th birthday candles. Polanski doesn’t Tinder.
  5. I like the beach. I hate sand. This isn’t about sand. This is about your beach body. It’s unrealistic and intimidating. Don’t expect the same (think less a beach body and more of a beached body).
  6. If you’re over 1609.344 km (1000 miles) away and you’re not Vanessa Carlton then no dice.
  7. Unless you usually reside in my sisters box of Barbies/Ken dolls please don’t be a headless torso it will just make me think of prawns and seafood…Thai food…Vagina. Next!
  8. Don’t call yourself a “Young Professional.” You’re an over educated under 30 year old wanker with a full time job.
  9. Why would you describe your penis size as “decent”?  Does that mean it will treat me right? Is it polite and well mannered? Will it be wearing clothes? Please just don’t describe it at all.
  10. Fact: 33 year old men should not be wearing snapbacks. Ever.
  11. That’s a great sleeping photo. Do you have narcolepsy? Maybe I’ll finally have my dream date!
  12. The fact that you feel the need to tell me to “Say more than hi” makes me fear for your social skills. Also, why do I have to start the conversation? It’s a lady’s right to choose!
  13. Please have more than one facial expression because I will conflate lack of expression with lack of emotion and sociopathic tendencies.
  14. Like Nietzsche I think without music, life would be a mistake. Choosing lyrics from Riding Solo as your profound music quote is also a mistake.
  15. If all we have in common is “Winking” and “Pelvic Thrusting” then I’m guessing our conversation won’t be particularly enlightening.
  16. Don’t ask me inane questions in an attempt to be interesting. Opening with “What kind of dinosaur would you be?” is OK. Following it up with “What Sesame Street character would you be?” makes me think you like to dress up as an enormous prehistoric bird that spends a lot of time with children.
  17. Without cattle and dairy farms I would not have meats or cheese so I appreciate your selfie with a cow. I don’t appreciate you being elbow deep in that cow.
  18. Having a list of your likes and dislikes is useful. It helps me to decide if we could hold a conversation that lasts longer than Hugh Hefner. However disliking things like “people’s knees” and “the patch of skin between your nose and lip that acts like an oasis for sweat” is not. It’s just weird.
  19. I think correct spelling and good grammar is important most of the time. However saying things like #unevaknowwatmayhapn is an abomination that should have been flushed at birth.
  20. If we do not have Wine, Tea, Baths, Harry Potter, Soft Cheeses, 30 Rock or the Sound of Rain as at least one of our shared interests then you’re going down faster than a fat girl on a first date. The Grateful Head.
  21. What’s that? You’re at the gym? In all your photos? Why not date a mirror?
  22. Don’t talk about yourself for an uncommon length of time in the third person. I’ll think you have Dissociative Identity Disorder.
  23. I’m sorry philistine; “An energy drink a day” does not keep the doctor away. It gives you cavities and diabetes. Enjoy life without a foot or teeth.
  24. I will swipe anyone who shares a name with members of my senior year or a previous boyfriend. So that’s at least 160 I can cross off. I had a big high school; I’m not a slut.
  25. What business does a 30 year old have in a children’s playground? Please see number 4.
  26. If all you can tell me is that you’re a “Pisces who can’t drive.” Then you may as well be a virgin too because you are not an independent woman. The car I’m driving, I bought it. I depend on me.
  27. Seeing photos of you with pets is great. I know you can care for something without it dying from starvation. However, photos of just your pet are disconcerting. I barely know how to interact with other humans so I can only begin to imagine the hoard of inter-species faux pas and (p)awkward situations.
  28. If you’re a woman.
  29. Why are all your photos of photos? If we are gonna perform inception then we need imagination.
  30. Oh so you’re a professional Pokémon trainer? Did you catch all 152 STI’s? First generation syphilis.
  31. Nowadays everyone wants to be unique. Apparently the best way to do so is to use unusual spelling of your name. Let us take Cory as an example. In one swipe session I encountered Corey, Corry, Koray Korrie and Cori. Your future as a bogan stripper seems very bright indeed.
  32. If your reading glasses are so thick that they make you look like Professor Trelawney on crack how can I trust you to find the g-spot?
  33. It’s important not to take yourself too seriously. So calling yourself a loser is nice in a self-deprecating kind of way. Spelling loser with two o’s is not, it’s just slack.
  34. We can’t all have a winning smile but at least have a good dentist because your smile reminds me of some tic-tacs stuck in old chewing gum.
  35. There’s nothing wrong with tattoos except when they come in the form of the acronym LTD (Living the Dream). I hope you get cystitis and hit by a bus.
  36. This isn’t a soapbox. So please keep pseudo-philosophical quotations to yourself[2].
  37. I get the joke but not everyone looks good in a bra. Especially when it looks like you could actually use one.
  38. Encountering the ex is a tricky one. If you swipe to the right out of courtesy it may be construed as lingering affection. But if you swipe to the left then you look cynical and jaded. So, I guess only swipe right if they didn’t get fat.
  39. Why are you holding a baby? Is it yours? Who gave you that baby? Did they know you were using it to solicit dates?
  40. If it’s not a Chonmage, Sangtu, Sikha or a Tikitiki then you have no business in a topknot/manbun. The secret that they’re all hiding in their not so big hair is their equally small penis.
  41. How many attempts did it take you to get that sublime sunset watching photo? I hope you got a melanoma. And your silhouette looks gay. Tell your gay silhouette I said “hi”.
  42. Did I miss the point in time when “orifice” became part of everyday speech? I think you may have misunderstood Cher Horowitz.
  43. Please learn the basics of perspective. Things that are closer to the camera will appear bigger. So try and keep your lollipop head away from the aperture.
  44. I love that you build houses for orphans and work at soup kitchens. The closest I get to feeling charitable is watching Oprah re-runs. Subsequently I feel like if I’m not a pauper or a head case I’d be boring you.
  45. Are you Indiana Jones, Humphrey Bogart or Freddy Krueger? No. Therefore you have no business in a fedora.
  46. If you’re only here for “shits and giggles” go eat some raisin bran and hash brownies, you’ll get the same result. Plus the only asshole you’ll have to deal with is your own. We all win.
  47. Oh really, you love sports? From what I can see the only sport you like is channel surfing.
  48. I love your various ill-fitting, Hawaiian shirts and your sporadic growth of facial hair. It’s like a fat balding woman fell into my piña colada.
  49. Why are all of your photos with cakes? I can’t decide if you’re the best person ever or all your friends are actually cakes.
  50. That’s such a great photo of you and all your male friends. I’d love to know which one of the seven you are. I wonder if I’m supposed to construe your extreme desirability from the sea of frothing bitches around you. I’d quicker equate it with syphilis.
  51. I love your club photos. Are you a DJ? I too like to wear gas masks in abandoned warehouses. I hope you asphyxiate on your own sense of self-satisfaction.
  52. Describing yourself as simple, loyal and very friendly makes me think you could actually be a dog.

In summary: I hate everyone. Who knows though, maybe Mr. Right is buried at the bottom of the pack.

* But fate deals the hand and I see, the joker is me! *.

[1]Sometimes I like to listen to songs about fire when using Tinder for the sheer intertextual thrill: We Didn’t Start the Fire (Billy Joel), I’m on Fire (Bruce Springsteen), Playing with Fire (The Rolling Stones), Light My Fire (The Doors), Beds are Burning (R.E.M.), Set Fire to the Rain (Adele), When a Fire Starts to Burn (Disclosure), Disco Inferno (The Tramps), Ring of Fire (Johnny Cash), Burning Love (Elvis), Girl on Fire (Alicia Keys), Chariots of Fire (Vangelis), Firestarter (Prodigy), Great Balls of Fire (Jerry Lee Lewis), Fire and Ice (Pat Benatar) you get the idea.

[2] Don’t let the worst of your past be the best of your future. Live for now. Profound choice! Don’t dream your life, live your dream. What we do in life echoes in eternity. Doing what I do today so I can do what I want tomorrow. Family and friends are the bedrock that creates a person of the world. Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the number of moments that take our breath away. Respect yourself enough to know you deserve the very best. Life begins at the end of your comfort zone. Fantastical, satire, mysticism, romance.



17 May

ImageIt’s official. Sex has become a chore and I don’t even care.

* I just wish I could start a relationship about twelve years in, when you really don’t have to try anymore, and you can just sit around together and goof on TV shows, and then go to bed without anybody trying any funny business. *

It all started when I had an adult sleepover with Mitch Buchannan.

Despite it ending on a high note where I thanked him walked him to the door and told him that he’s a high-end stripper for governors or athletes. The beginning, middle and the weird part in between where we showered in an extremely well lit hotel bathroom were not so great.

I think perhaps there had been too much build-up or maybe I was too drunk. Either way, checking out half way through so you can decide on tomorrow mornings room service selection is never a good sign.

It’s not that it was bad I suppose. I just didn’t care. I even found myself staring at his face and thinking. You have dimples. I don’t like dimples. Dimples are only acceptable for babies and Vicki Valentine.

* Tapa Tapa Tapa *

And now sex kind of seems like a game of Monopoly: Nobody knows the rules, it’s takes too long to set up and no one ever seems to win. So you put it away on a dark shelf and don’t touch it again until some dickhead who thinks he’s good at playing games whips it out. In a word: unsatisfying. In two: very unsatisfying.

* Do you feel the way you feel after the Risotto? *

I’ve subsequently come up with some general post-coital rules:

1) If I’m lying on my stomach please take the hint. I don’t want to spoon.

2) Please stay on your side of the bed.

3) Don’t steal my air with your loud mouth breathing and blow it back in my face all warm and devoid of oxygen.

4) Don’t stroke me with your feet.

5) Don’t cut off circulation to my limbs with your inconveniently placed ones.

6) Don’t sweat on me. Just stop all perspiration upon “completion”.

7) Please let me get at least 8 hours sleep.

8) Wake me up before you proceed with penetration, lest I press charges.

9) Don’t watch me while I sleep. If anything, do what I do and stare determinately at the ceiling until you pass out.

10) If I want to re-clothe prior to sleep, let me. Otherwise I will be making a lounge pant out of your skin.

11) Please refrain from touching my hair; I know where your hands have been.

12) Don’t try to Simba me.

13) Don’t tell me you love me. I heard you mid-coit; I just chose to ignore it.

14) Don’t ask if you can film or photograph me. As far as I’m concerned this is the equivalent of the nocturnal section at the zoo.

15) In fact, don’t talk at all.

16) Do clean up after yourself.

17) And feel free to leave. At any time.

* Did you ever wake up sober after a one night stand, and the person you’re next to is laying’ on your arm, and they’re so ugly, you’d rather chew off your arm then risk waking ’em? That’s coyote ugly *

Anyway I suppose it’s not all bad. I have lost 4kgs[1].

I also went for a job interview this week. It’s just for some office position where I can waltz around in a see-through top and fanny about with the press releases but being very inexperienced in an office environment I had a bit of a nervy-b. I spent half the time while I waited keeping my right hand dry for the imminent, firm, but not too strong, multiple pump handshake with eye contact. And the other half trying to think about what I was actually going to say to make me sound vaguely employable. Of course, my prospective employer arrives while I’m trying to subtly blow on my right hand to keep it dry while I attempt to check the time on my mobile phone which I’d stowed under my thigh, with my left; Yet another excellent first impression.

I honestly don’t know how I’m going to top it when I start on Tuesday.

* Neville, what the fuck is going on? She’s supposed to be sliding down the pole not climbing up it. *

Since downloading and watching the majority of The Wild Thornberrys I have noticed a couple of things:

1) Darwin is pretty much Eliza’s gay best friend. He gets dragged around everywhere, makes bitchy comments, supports her emotionally, keeps her secrets, wears a tank top and has a tumultuous relationship with food.

2) Donnie isn’t an adorable wild boy; he has a serious pervasive developmental disorder. He is on the autistic spectrum.

3) Drunken Reese Witherspoon and her husband would do a better job of dressing and raising those kids than Nigel and Marianne.

4) Eliza would be overhearing so much animal sex and death that Darwin should really have been named Freud.

5) To be honest Debbie is the only well rounded, and level headed individual. Her cynical and jaded outlook on life mirrors my own at 15.

6) Oh and Lacey Chabert who voices Eliza Thornberry is probably better known as Gretchen Wieners.

* They say you’re a homeschooled jungle freak who’s a less hot version of me. *

Yeah, that happened.

Finally I’m really looking forward to the day when we achieve complete marriage equality. Mostly so I can marry Daniel Radcliffe and make basilisk and wand jokes but also so that we can have TV shows like The Real Gay Housewives of San Francisco and show all those other bitches what real drama looks like.

* In case I don’t see you, good afternoon, good evening, and good night. *

[1] No I didn’t get a double mastectomy. But I did have miso soup, a handful of dark chocolate covered goji berries and a diet coke for dinner one night.