Tag Archives: Seinfeld

Listless

23 Jun

ImageSo I know I’ve skipped a week or so but its not like I’m going to get pregnant or anything. Fear not though, faithful readers, for I have been using the time wisely and have accomplished a great many things.

* I do not want to disappoint our Japanese public, especially Godzilla. Hahaha! I’m just kidding, I know he doesn’t care what humans do. *

1. I have found the connection between my love of rain and bacon. The sound of bacon being fried is not dissimilar to rain falling. Not to mention they’re both very comforting and great in bed.

*Are you achin’? Yup, yup, yup. For some bacon? *

2. I went to a 50’s themed party and decided that my safe place on the dance floor was the twist. Which in hindsight is probably the reason behind my difficulty walking the next day. Or the gentle rapist visited me in my sleep.

* Anyone doing tasteless or vulgar movements will be immediately disqualified. *

3. I got home at 11pm on an attempted night out and carefully charted George Constanza’s receding hairline across three seasons of Seinfeld. This was due to a bad trip at a Spring Breakers themed party several hours prior. The worst part was I didn’t get to show off my costume.

* What on earth are you wearing? You look like a common prostitute. *

4. Nandos is BYO and therefore an excellent place for a party. Just put some candles in that succulent flame grilled peri-peri chicken and you’ve got yourself a party.

* You wanted cake, you got cake! Now eat it! *

5. I finally graduated this week and to celebrate the occasion I decided to take my wand with me. I pretended I was Snape, whirled around in my academic gown and crucio-ed all the bitches. It was a great time. Mostly because I had people fuss over me all day buying me drinks and food. It was like a birthday for my brain!

* You is kind. You is smart. You is important. *

6. I helped my best friend make a video to celebrate his 1-year anniversary with his boyfriend and realized I will be alone forever.

* You look like that flashcard they told me means sadness. *

7. I didn’t like a woman’s outfit while I was walking to the bus stop so I farted upwind from her. Honestly who wears a mint green overcoat with a leopard print dress and zebra print shoes? She deserved to inhale fecal matter.

* You’re tacky and I hate you. *

After my last entry’s comments about Julia Roberts I thought what better place to find further direction than taking life lessons from a streetwalker.

  1. Always use eating utensils from the outside in – 4 tines dinner fork, 3 tines salad fork etc.
  2. Your foot is as big as your arm from your wrist to your elbow.
  3. Strawberries bring out the flavor of champagne.
  4. Floss may or may not be mistaken for cocaine.
  5. Flattery will get you everywhere “You’re late. You’re stunning. You’re forgiven.”
  6. Vegging out leads to blowjobs.
  7. Wearing nothing but a tie is code for lets have sex then a bath.
  8. Kings and queens used to stomp shit into the ground.
  9. “The bad stuff is easier to believe.”
  10. When you’re not fidgeting you look very beautiful.
  11. Opera is for prostitutes and old women.
  12. Copping a squat is fine if you’re with a man and a picnic blanket.
  13. The top floor is always the best.
  14. It takes just one week (and $3000) to fall in love.

Ok so my life is boring and I’m alone, what of it? At least I don’t have to get rid of all my Richard Curtis films and pretend I’m happy. I have movie lives to lead. I don’t need a boyfriend.

* Lemon, women your age are more likely to get mauled at the zoo than get married. *

PC

17 May

ImageIt’s official. Sex has become a chore and I don’t even care.

* I just wish I could start a relationship about twelve years in, when you really don’t have to try anymore, and you can just sit around together and goof on TV shows, and then go to bed without anybody trying any funny business. *

It all started when I had an adult sleepover with Mitch Buchannan.

Despite it ending on a high note where I thanked him walked him to the door and told him that he’s a high-end stripper for governors or athletes. The beginning, middle and the weird part in between where we showered in an extremely well lit hotel bathroom were not so great.

I think perhaps there had been too much build-up or maybe I was too drunk. Either way, checking out half way through so you can decide on tomorrow mornings room service selection is never a good sign.

It’s not that it was bad I suppose. I just didn’t care. I even found myself staring at his face and thinking. You have dimples. I don’t like dimples. Dimples are only acceptable for babies and Vicki Valentine.

* Tapa Tapa Tapa *

And now sex kind of seems like a game of Monopoly: Nobody knows the rules, it’s takes too long to set up and no one ever seems to win. So you put it away on a dark shelf and don’t touch it again until some dickhead who thinks he’s good at playing games whips it out. In a word: unsatisfying. In two: very unsatisfying.

* Do you feel the way you feel after the Risotto? *

I’ve subsequently come up with some general post-coital rules:

1) If I’m lying on my stomach please take the hint. I don’t want to spoon.

2) Please stay on your side of the bed.

3) Don’t steal my air with your loud mouth breathing and blow it back in my face all warm and devoid of oxygen.

4) Don’t stroke me with your feet.

5) Don’t cut off circulation to my limbs with your inconveniently placed ones.

6) Don’t sweat on me. Just stop all perspiration upon “completion”.

7) Please let me get at least 8 hours sleep.

8) Wake me up before you proceed with penetration, lest I press charges.

9) Don’t watch me while I sleep. If anything, do what I do and stare determinately at the ceiling until you pass out.

10) If I want to re-clothe prior to sleep, let me. Otherwise I will be making a lounge pant out of your skin.

11) Please refrain from touching my hair; I know where your hands have been.

12) Don’t try to Simba me.

13) Don’t tell me you love me. I heard you mid-coit; I just chose to ignore it.

14) Don’t ask if you can film or photograph me. As far as I’m concerned this is the equivalent of the nocturnal section at the zoo.

15) In fact, don’t talk at all.

16) Do clean up after yourself.

17) And feel free to leave. At any time.

* Did you ever wake up sober after a one night stand, and the person you’re next to is laying’ on your arm, and they’re so ugly, you’d rather chew off your arm then risk waking ’em? That’s coyote ugly *

Anyway I suppose it’s not all bad. I have lost 4kgs[1].

I also went for a job interview this week. It’s just for some office position where I can waltz around in a see-through top and fanny about with the press releases but being very inexperienced in an office environment I had a bit of a nervy-b. I spent half the time while I waited keeping my right hand dry for the imminent, firm, but not too strong, multiple pump handshake with eye contact. And the other half trying to think about what I was actually going to say to make me sound vaguely employable. Of course, my prospective employer arrives while I’m trying to subtly blow on my right hand to keep it dry while I attempt to check the time on my mobile phone which I’d stowed under my thigh, with my left; Yet another excellent first impression.

I honestly don’t know how I’m going to top it when I start on Tuesday.

* Neville, what the fuck is going on? She’s supposed to be sliding down the pole not climbing up it. *

Since downloading and watching the majority of The Wild Thornberrys I have noticed a couple of things:

1) Darwin is pretty much Eliza’s gay best friend. He gets dragged around everywhere, makes bitchy comments, supports her emotionally, keeps her secrets, wears a tank top and has a tumultuous relationship with food.

2) Donnie isn’t an adorable wild boy; he has a serious pervasive developmental disorder. He is on the autistic spectrum.

3) Drunken Reese Witherspoon and her husband would do a better job of dressing and raising those kids than Nigel and Marianne.

4) Eliza would be overhearing so much animal sex and death that Darwin should really have been named Freud.

5) To be honest Debbie is the only well rounded, and level headed individual. Her cynical and jaded outlook on life mirrors my own at 15.

6) Oh and Lacey Chabert who voices Eliza Thornberry is probably better known as Gretchen Wieners.

* They say you’re a homeschooled jungle freak who’s a less hot version of me. *

Yeah, that happened.

Finally I’m really looking forward to the day when we achieve complete marriage equality. Mostly so I can marry Daniel Radcliffe and make basilisk and wand jokes but also so that we can have TV shows like The Real Gay Housewives of San Francisco and show all those other bitches what real drama looks like.

* In case I don’t see you, good afternoon, good evening, and good night. *


[1] No I didn’t get a double mastectomy. But I did have miso soup, a handful of dark chocolate covered goji berries and a diet coke for dinner one night.